Depression - The worst part of my Covid-19 sickness

Well, it finally happened.

After doing our best to circle the wagons for two years, Covid-19 finally managed to make its way into my household this last week.

I gotta say, it’s an extremely defeating feeling to make it this far, only to just now join the “Covid club” (as one of my friends, having recently contended with her second bout, so casually called it).

I can’t say that I’m surprised, but it’s still a head trip.

I’ll be honest with you, I had returned to basically my normal routine: work, Dodger games, dinner and a movie at home with family on Saturdays, outings with friends (mostly at Disneyland, where most of my inner circle are passholders).

I even bulked up the courage to go to a recent sci-fi convention (more on that later).

Most of the time, I had a mask; it was just in my back pocket.

Simply put, I wasn’t necessarily ignoring the fact that Covid-19 numbers were beginning to tick upwards again, but I also wasn’t necessarily doing anything to protect myself from it either. Not like I had during the worst of the pandemic, at least.

Besides, I’m not only vaccinated, I’m boosted; my mother, doubly so.

So, when I started to need to clear my throat a bit more often than usual, I didn’t think much of it.

When my mom started to do the same thing, it triggered a few red flags, but still nothing either of us seemed all that worried about; we both have pesky post-nasal situations that we contend with regularly.

When many of the social media influencers and YouTubers I follow (who had been at the same convention I had been at just days prior) began announcing that they had tested positive, I think I went into a sort of denial.

“Nah, not me. I’ve been careful. I’m vaxed and boosted. I wore my mask.”

Then Friday came. My mom, preparing to go see a few patients, tested just to cover her bases.

Positive.

I tested. Negative.

Again. Negative.

It’s not a sequence of events that leads to a whole lot of closure for a guy like me, but I digress.

Neither one of us is deathly sick. In fact, both of us, if it weren’t for the lingering two-lined cloud over our heads, felt absolutely normal; a rogue cough, if that, every once-in-a-while.

And we’re both 99.9% over that by now.

My worst “symptom” has been the depression.

I don’t particularly like being alone. I’ve often said that I can be happy as a clam sitting in a room with someone, even if not talking or even acknowledging each other. For better or worse (maybe one day I’ll let a shrink decide), I take extreme comfort in the general presence of someone, anyone.

So, you can imagine that it didn’t take long (an hour or two, maybe) for me to go absolutely stir crazy in my mostly quarantined “neutral corner.”

But more than my boredom, I’ve found myself face to face with feelings I didn’t expect to contend with. Instead of fear or sadness, I feel guilt, embarrassment

“I told you you shouldn’t have gone to that convention.”

“Good luck trying to schedule interviews next week.”

“I was at my niece’s school promotion; what if I got her, her mom, dad, or brother sick?”

“You wrote all those op-eds about how people needed to be safe and responsible, yet here you are.”

At times, I felt just plain dirty. Sub-human.

Along those lines.

Thankfully, none of the people I know who I was around seemed sick (though worry for those I don’t know has certainly crept into my thoughts). Those I could inform have been informed, and they all seem alright.

So why do I write all this here now? Why expose my exposure that I am so embarrassed about?

Well, firstly, because it’s cathartic. I’ve been wrestling with my own thoughts and emotions all weekend, so sorry reader, but I’m tagging you in for a moment.

Secondly, because in my head it (somewhat) corrects a wrong I feel I committed. I don’t feel I lived up to the responsibility that I so often got preachy about, especially in prior articles. Maybe it’s too little too late, but if someone can read this and change a habit or two, then I’ll take it.

Lastly, as a reminder: the pandemic may not be nearly where it was at its worst, but it is still out there. So, please if you’ll allow me to be preachy just one last time:

If you haven’t already, consider being vaccinated and/or boosted. Speaking as someone who is severely overweight and asthmatic, I have every reason to worry about being sick with Covid-19. Thankfully, due to the vaccines, I don’t/didn’t need to worry more than I already have.

Lastly, still take the precautions you need to. Wear a mask, avoid crowds where you can. If you have any thoughts that you may be sick, don’t ignore them and get tested.

We all want life to be normal again; some of us are already living as such.

And at least one of us here was just reminded of the reality.